Dating a younger Filipina and the elephant in the room: money

Dating a younger Filipina comes down to one thing most guides skip: money. Money matters in dating everywhere, and the Philippines is no exception. In my own country, a man who can’t afford a car has far fewer options with women. Pretending otherwise doesn’t help anyone. The real question isn’t whether money is part of the picture. It’s whether she still cares about you once it is. This is my story.

There are many things in your life you failed to accomplish. We all have, many times. Don’t make this one of those times. You have one life, one journey and multiple opportunities. If this is how you finish this game of life, make it count!

I was never a man with a lot of money. What I had, I spent carefully, and I decided my journey would be about something different. That is the angle I’m writing from, and it is why I think this guide is useful: I am not writing as a rich foreigner who could afford to make mistakes.

The truth can sound harsh, so let me say it plainly and kindly. In my experience, the gap between incomes in the Philippines and in the West is much wider than the news will tell you, and a woman and her family will notice it. That doesn’t make anyone a bad person. It makes it a fact, and the sooner you accept it, the better your decisions will be.

My wife, Cirila, and I have been together for more than fifteen years. Everything below comes from living it, from what worked, from what I got wrong, and from Cirila’s own advice.

A 15-year gap and two different worlds

I was 43 when I landed in the Philippines in November 2010. Cirila had just turned 28. We had talked for about two months before I made the trip, so we weren’t strangers, but we were far from knowing each other.

The age gap was real, and I won’t pretend it wasn’t. What I learned is that the bigger gap was not the 15 years. It was the two worlds we came from. The Philippines and the United States are very different cultures, and in the Philippines the idea of meeting a foreigner is something many people grow up hearing about as a hope for the future. When I met Cirila’s family, I could feel that admiration, and I had to be honest with myself about it. I was an average guy back home. Here I was suddenly the center of attention, and it felt good, which is exactly why I had to be careful.

So my first rule is this: ask, don’t assume. Don’t assume she thinks like you do. Don’t assume you understand why she answers the way she does. Ask, listen, and ask again.

What we did have in common was timing. At that point in my life I wanted to live as fully as I could. For Cirila it was a brand new adventure. We learned together, and she taught me a great deal. Most of all, she showed me what struggle looks like in another culture, and that a smile and the people around you can be worth more than money. I am blessed to have her in my life.

Meeting the family: language, smiles and gifts

The first thing I noticed was how much her family smiled. Cirila speaks English like a native, so she translated for me, and these days her nieces and nephews speak English too. Her mother sometimes surprises me by speaking English, and then she laughs.

The local languages are Bisaya and Tagalog. When I started trying their phrases, it was hilarious to them. Don’t let that stop you. They love that you tried, and the laughing breaks the ice faster than any perfect sentence would.

Bring gifts, and bring food

It is customary for foreigners to bring gifts when they meet the family. I brought chocolate, flip-flops, T-shirts and hats, but the most important gifts were food. Pork, pork belly, fish and soft drinks mean a lot, because these are normally too expensive for the family to buy.

How much? In my experience 2 to 3 kilos of pork is plenty. If you really want to make a statement, spend about $200 on a whole pig and feed the neighborhood. It just depends on your willingness to share.

Clothes last, too. Cirila’s father is in his eighties now, and 16 years later he still wears the Rockport flip-flops and the hats I brought him.

One Bisaya word you will hear: “buang”

Sooner or later someone will call you buang. In Bisaya (also called Cebuano), the word literally means “crazy” or “foolish.” You can look it up in an online Cebuano dictionary. A close relative, Hiligaynon, uses the same word. It is also common across the regional languages of Mindanao. Cirila’s father is Mandayan, and “Buang-buang!” is his phrase.

I learned it the funny way. I kept hearing her father say it whenever he got angry at some neighbors, so I picked it up. Then, on a video call, when he least expected it, I said it to him. He and her mother burst into laughter. It didn’t break the ice, but it changed how her family saw me. I was less the foreigner and more just a normal guy with a sense of humor.

What it means in the moment depends completely on the tone, especially when it is doubled, as in “Buang-buang!”

• Said with a chuckle: “You’re being silly,” or “You’re talking nonsense.” This is the friendly version, and it usually means you are being teased, which is a good sign.
• Said loudly and angrily: “You’re out of your mind!” or worse. Now it is an insult.

So when you hear it, don’t react to the word. Watch the face and listen to the voice. If everyone around you is smiling, you are probably being welcomed.

Set the pace with money, and let her be the buffer

In my experience, a pattern becomes an expectation. If you send money every month for a while, it will be expected, and there is little you can do to change that later. Too much too fast sets the wrong precedent.

So set the pace on purpose:

• Give for a reason, such as Christmas or a birthday, and say out loud that it is a one-time gift.
• Skip some months if you need to. A slower rhythm that you can keep up is better than a generous start you can’t sustain.
• Decide in advance what you can give without stress, and stay inside it.

Cirila does the talking with her family. There have been times when I was visibly agitated about something, and she was the buffer, the middleman. She knows both worlds, and she can say things in a way that keeps everyone’s dignity intact. If you are lucky enough to have that kind of partner, let her speak.

Here is a small example. When I ask Cirila what she wants for her birthday, she says, “Nothing. Just send something to my parents for food.” That tells you what she values.

One principle guided me through all of it: people stay together because of how they feel about themselves around each other. If she feels good about herself, we both win.

The online stage, and the moment of trust

I was unsure at the beginning, and I think most people are. Many people on dating sites are enjoying the idea of a real future. There is hope, and there is a dream. She hopes for a handsome foreigner. You hope for someone who will see you for who you are. Then the “dream cowboy on a white horse” actually shows up, and both of you have to learn very quickly what the other person really needs.

That learning is the real work. It does not happen on a screen.

For us, the big test came during that first trip. I needed to find a place that could support my tech needs, which meant traveling around the Philippines, and Cirila had to decide quickly whether she trusted me enough to come along. She had never left her hometown. She had never flown.

I asked her how she felt about it. She said, “I am excited.” Then I asked, “Are you scared?” Her answer: “Nope, I was not scared. I needed to LEAVE.” She wanted to get away from a poor life and explore real life. She just wanted to see what was out there.

I’ve thought about that answer many times. Trust didn’t come from my promises. It came from two people who each needed something and found they could rely on the other.

Attention, flattery and the jealousy story

In the USA I have always been the average guy. In the Philippines, with my blue eyes, I became the center of attention. It is a flattering feeling, especially when it isn’t something normal in your life. Be honest with yourself about that. Attention that is easy to get is not the same as being valued, and it can turn your head.

It works the other way as well. Cirila got jealous once over a woman’s picture on my laptop. It was the girl from the Dell Computer commercial, my screen saver. We still laugh about it today. A little jealousy is normal when two people care about each other, and a good laugh afterwards is a sign it is healthy.

What Cirila would tell you

I asked Cirila directly what she would say to a man in your position. She answered as I asked her, and I’m passing it along in her spirit.

What a woman who cares looks like. Cirila says that if a woman loves you, she wants to take care of you. If she doesn’t cook for you or look after you, she may not be the one. She is old school, and that is her view. Your own may be different, but it is worth hearing from the other side.

What she wants. In my words, after watching it for years: stability, something for her family, and understanding when things get frustrating. She doesn’t want a mansion. She wants food on the table, maybe some land for the future, and her feet in a mountain stream, to remind her of the mountain she lived her life on.

The biggest thing. Cirila says the man needs to accept her for who she is: her level of knowledge, and her family’s. You are different, and that’s all right. Don’t judge too fast. Be patient.

My biggest mistake: thinking I was better

In the beginning I thought I was better than the people around me. I was a first-world, well-traveled American, and I assumed that counted for something. The Philippines corrected me quickly, and it changed me as a person forever.

Two places did it. One was St. Luke’s hospital at Fort Bonifacio. The other was a four-level marble mall. I was overwhelmed by both. The banks were fantastic too. And in the city, the number of guards outside every place made me feel it was the safest place in the world. I also met Filipinos earning four to five times my income.

The lesson is that we form opinions too fast. We pre-judge a place before the experience ever happens, and then reality walks in and proves us wrong.

If you arrive with a sense of superiority, people will feel it, including her. Arrive curious and humble instead. You will learn more, and you will be treated better.

Put your plan on paper, and be ready for opportunists

Before you go, decide what your goal is and lay it out on paper. Learn the legal side too: our guide explains whether it is legal to meet and marry a Filipina as a foreigner. If the plan is to pick up a girl for sex, it’s the wrong plan, and this guide is not for you. If the plan is a real relationship, write down what that looks like, what you can afford, and what you will not do.

Then be ready for opportunists. They exist in every country, including mine, and the advice is the same everywhere (our safety guide for solo travelers covers more):

• Pause long enough before you decide anything.
• Role-play the scenario in advance. Ask yourself how you would respond if someone asked for money, or if a deal changed at the last minute.
• If it seems too good to be true, pause. If it seems uncomfortable, pause.
• Always have an exit from everything you agree to.
• Don’t put yourself in vulnerable situations.
• Don’t let shiny objects distract you.

You will get good at this. Once you’ve covered your bases and the plan is on paper, execute it.

Dating a younger Filipina: your questions answered

Is a 15-year age gap a problem?

It was real for us, but it wasn’t the biggest gap. I was 43 and Cirila had just turned 28. The bigger difference was two cultures, so I learned to ask instead of assume.

Does money really matter when dating in the Philippines?

It matters everywhere, including in my own country. The real question is whether she still cares about you once money is part of the picture.

What gifts should I bring to her family?

Bring food. Pork, pork belly, fish and soft drinks mean the most, because they are normally too expensive for the family. In my experience, 2 to 3 kilos of pork is plenty. Chocolate, flip-flops, T-shirts and hats are nice extras.

How often should I send money to her family?

Set the pace on purpose. Give for a reason, such as Christmas or a birthday, and say it is a one-time gift. A pattern becomes an expectation, and too much too fast sets the wrong precedent.

How do I avoid being taken advantage of?

Decide your goal and put your plan on paper before you go. Pause before you decide anything, role-play the scenario, always have an exit, and stay out of vulnerable situations. It is the same advice I would give for any country.

What does a Filipina want in a relationship?

Not a mansion. In my experience, it is stability, something for her family, and understanding when things get frustrating. Cirila says the biggest thing is that you accept her for who she is, and that you are patient.

How long should we talk before I travel to meet her?

There is no magic number. Cirila and I talked for about two months before I made the trip. Use that time to learn what each of you really needs.

One last thing

There are many things in your life you failed to accomplish. We all have, many times. Don’t make this one of those times. You have one life, one journey and multiple opportunities. If this is how you finish this game of life, make it count!

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